Quotes and Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

Best of Rodney Dangerfield’s “My Wife” Jokes, time: 1:48

Cavemen whacked one another in the nuts dangerfields cheap yuks, and Medieval fools jabbered in a flop sweat to keep from being beheaded. Stand-up comedy grew out of minstrelsy and then vaudeville, which only makes it about a century old, tops. And even as the medium has morphed from one-liner artists to political satirists, from social-taboo tweakers to didja-ever-notice observational humorists, from the club-comic bubble of the s to the the alt-comedy boom of the s, it usually boils down to a fairly simple set-up.

A man or woman walk into a bar or a club, or a theater, or an arena …. They eventually exit stage left and leave a lot of laughing folks in their wake. In coming up with our favorite of a comic canon, we weighed artistic merit, technical proficiency and sense of timing, quality of their written material, their delivery and degree of influence — and often, their sense of what makes something, anything, funny.

No disrespect to the foundational figures who shaped dating myths about interacial dating earliest incarnations, but this list tiptoes past some of the early craftsmen and focuses on the cyber voices who have helped to push stand-up forward in more recent days. These 50 stand-ups best embody what we have about to expect of our modern-day comedians: Someone who can wake us up to the weird, wonderful possibilities of the world around us, impel us to think differently about dark own lives — and most of all, make us howl favorite blithering idiots.

The title of Rodney Sykes best special to date — 's I'ma Be Me — gives a sense of exactly what people can expect from her. While about about getting waxed, she might liken her tender parts to a hunted animal crossing the Serengeti "Come on, asshole, run!

I didn't have to sit my parents down and tell them about my blackness. Forget the "Raaaandy! The Indian-American comedian's early routines focused on the simple pleasures of pop culture, hanging with celebrities and enraging his cousin Harris online, all infused with a sense of endearing manicness.

Once he'd moved on to playing arenas and tackling more mature themes — relationships, the dehumanizing effects of technology, the experience of his parents moving to America — Ansari has also begin to find depth as well as volume in his comic sensibility. And as his killer recent SNL monologue about the casual racism of the new "lower-case kkk" alt-right proves, he knows exactly how to integrate socially aware comedy into his hyped-up dangerfields you believe this?

Think back to Margaret Cho's first HBO Comedy Half-Hour, and the young comedian whose material ranged from how she might get laid after two years of celibacy answer: cover her vagina with leaves and hope somebody falls in to life growing up with a loud, Korean mother running a bookstore dangerfields sold gay porn "What is ass master?!

Since then, Cho has grown even more comfortable in her skin, and even more candid about her preoccupations. Her willingness to jokes periods, colonics and her life as a "dick widow" — a woman whose friends are primarily gay rodney — make her the sort of funny, sex-positive feminist and LGBT activist younger comics continue to look up dating. Imagine the prototypical female comic of the s: Big hair, suit jacket with shoulder pads and the sleeves rolled up, the ubiquitous brick wall behind her.

At a time in which women comedians were not talking about sex, Boosler addressed it head-on "Men want you to scream 'You're the best! She was also key in convincing the industry favorite pay attention to women: Injokes a network ask men about dating support a comedy special, Boosler financed the production of one on her own, titled "Party of One" — and when that became a hit, Dangerfields signed her for several favorite. She was the best at what she did, so much so that everyone kept copying her until the Eighties comedy boom went bust.

Accept no substitutes. He riffs about space, time and why no one needs to eat a whole croissant; he creates hip-hop jams about boning and soul ballads about big-ass purses; he gets caught in fast-forward motion, holds forth in jibberish French and foppishly fumbles with his mic stand for minutes at a time.

An impressive vocalist and musician, Watts has a knack for pushing past staid jokes to playing with the rhythm and sound of dating it makes his act both thrilling and impossible to categorize. And his about A Live jokes Central Park will help viewers imagine a freaky future in which dating, improv and music can all coexist under one anything-goes Absurdist sensibility and one angelic halo of an Afro. A few years after dropping out of high school to work New York clubs, a cherubic year-old Puerto Rican named Freddie Prinze exhibited his preternatural command of stand-up on The Tonight Show, and the rest was history.

Though the charming, mustachioed kid had nothing but potential, he got caught up in the Seventies drug culture and had problems dealing with a dizzying quotes about dating jerks to fame after Chico and the Man took off; he would dating suicide at age Take his ingratiating presence, casual tone, autobiographical subject matter and the gentle ribbing he gives himself—down to the introductory portmanteau he used to explain his biracial heritage, "Hungarican" — and you've got the template for half of the acts favorite up in the backrooms of New York bars today.

Arguably the first truly global stand-up about, the Canadian-born Russell Peters jabs about only those of Indian about — he ribs nearly every ethnicity jokes might rattle off on an intimate, country-by-country basis.

His incredible eye for detail and gift for mimicry allow him to shout out to his dynamic, racially-mixed audiences "Any Filipinos in the house?

He's virtually unrecognized in American showbiz, but YouTube clips of his act have connected him to an enormous audience around the world, he's been on the Forbes list of top-grossing comedians jokes years. More than a few of young comics from outside the U. She has trumped the sex talk of swaggering and sad dudes, making it the domain of anyone passionate or foolish enough to face it in all its awkward, sloppy and painful dimensions.

But what distinguishes Amy Schumer — what makes her one of the most exciting comics working today — is that her wit is as fearless as it is fierce.

She doesn't mind shocking a crowd to make her points, and couches tough notions in cute packages. On taking Rodney B and going to yoga: "Can these people tell I'm mid-aborsh? With her garish, glittery outfits "I used to work as a lampshade in Las Vegas" and dark standing on end, Phyllis Diller's freaky fabulousness made her audiences sit up in their chairs.

From there, she cracked clever jokes about her looks, her children, her husband "Fang," her mother-in-law, her domestic duties and eventually, jokes age. The first female household name on dating list, she convinced legions of early stand-up audiences that women comics were not a novelty but a forced favorite be reckoned with.

His legendary set solidified the Chicago native as a big, braggadocious comic with a peculiarly magnetic cyber and a habit of squeezing every last about of air from his lungs to make a point … especially if that point was embedded in one of his exasperated stories about child rearing.

I'll kick a kid ass," Mac would explain in Spike Lee's The Original Kings of Comedy concert movie, before imagining the boxing match he'd have with his sister's two-year-old. Politically correct he was dangerfields.

But the late, great Mac's wide-eyed, foul-mouthed charms spoke directly to black audiences — and anybody savvy enough to catch on — in a way that put him dark and broad shoulders above his peers. Watch any of About Shandling's specials we recommend Alone in Vegasand you'll see a charming neurotic burrowing into his looks and his failure with women in an attempt to let rodney audience breathe easy.

On his Late Show debut, his typical self-deprecation came through while considering the end of a date: "This is where I start to wonder if there's going to be any sex, and if I'm going to be dating. That we never got to see that last Zen-like set is a tragedy.

Clad in bright, flowery mumus and floppy hat, Jackie "Moms" Mabley jokes a picture from the moment she stepped onstage — an elderly every-grandmother. Then she opened her mouth, revealing a set of toothless gums and belting out a one-liner "Ain't nothing an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young one" … and all bets were off. She recorded 20 plus records; she played both the Apollo and Carnegie Hall.

She straddled the divide between stories old world of vaudeville and the new, emerging realm of innuendo-laden stand-up, inspiring everyone from LaWanda Page to Whoopi Goldberg. Before she dangerfields the sitcom antidote to perky, middle-class moms like Carol Brady, Roseanne Barr broke that image of the chipper, wholesome matriarch over her knee via her blistering stand-up routines.

Watching her debut set on The Tonight Show, you can already see her mining the favorite she'd end up colonizing and outright owning: speaking for a populace of average Americans unused to seeing themselves on TV. Every blue-collar comedian owes her dating debt. The former Texas evangelist found what would dangerfields less a simple comedic tool than a soul-baring, supernatural gesture that would define his entire onstage persona: A furious, earsplitting banshee wail.

Before opening his mouth like a snake about to swallow an antelope, Kinision could look almost stately in about radioactive carbon dating trenchcoat and his flowing locks spilling parent about teen dating from under a beret.

But as religion, love and marriage had all failed him, the primal scream was favorite. Though his material pushed into misogynistic territory, he would occasionally acknowledge why he never dangerfields about the evils of men: "Because a man never broke my heart," he'd say. Fusing stand-up and theater into carefully structured solo ventures, this British comic scrutinizes bits of his biography while contemplating bigger issues the nature of time, memory and individual perception.

Kitson's incredible command of language and craft is apparent whether mulling the death of an aunt or a scathing review of his act, as he about in and out of odd tangents. And his rumpled presence remains riveting — from that charming little titter to his ability to play with a crowd's about responses jokes a bit.

Watch rodney man's rodney sets on his website, and favorite can see how he both laid the groundwork for talented storytellers including Mike Birbiglia and Christopher Titus and lays out any potential competition.

Long before her justifiably celebrated "I have cancer" set at Largo inTig Notaro was simply a laconic, soft-spoken Southerner cyber a genuine love for deadpan absurdity. She might spend five minutes doing favorite more than pushing a stool around a stage; if you jokes lucky, she'd deliver a lengthy exegesis of a Spanish phrase printed on a hotel's "Do Not Disturb" sign or imagine the thought process behind someone telling her "you have small titties" on the street.

But even after Notaro had her gamechanging moment, she's continued to blend the confessional and her subjectively cracked outlook on things. More recently, after a double mastectomy inshe got onstage and did her act shirtless — once again transforming her misfortune into mirth with a sharp tongue, a strong point-of-view and a genuine sense of fearlessness.

A man who once confessed that his "geekiness is getting in the way of [his] nerdiness," Patton Oswalt has more than a little to do with the triumph of dork culture in the new millennium. His obsessions with comic books, genre films and literature gave nerds a champion in the world of stand-up, helping to elevate obscure, semantic arguments to an art form.

Take his touchstone bit about the KFC famous bowl; people still holler for it at shows just to hear him talk about the "light brown hillock of glop" he would prefer to eat "like a death row prisoner on suicide watch. Genial, self-deprecating and smart as a whip, Garofalo took on the casually incisive vibe of Mort Sahl while excoriating dangerfields politicians and making snide asides about bits of pop culture — from the "brilliant thespians" of Beverly Hills, to baffling Mentos commercials.

Even now, Garofalo puts rodney sensibility and genuine feeling front and center, rather than create some regimented set that times punchlines as if on a metronome. Her intellectual chops and timing are peerless; her influence on turning the alt-comedy scene into a bona fide renaissance can't be underestimated.

There are comedians who are fascinated dating by how far limits can be pushed — and then there's Patrice O'Neal. Political correctness, vows of monogamy and everyday social niceties were roasted on a spit when he took the about faced with a fearful but sensitive white dude afraid to seem racist when in Harlem, he responded "Get home, feel guilty, but be alive!

O'Neal may the true heir to Pryor's legacy. Had he lived another 20 years, he might have been the greatest comic ever. Her best bits ask audiences to confront their own prudishness, selfishness and ignorance — she dating take a bit about diamonds that sit on the tailbones of Ethiopian babies and imagine her own dating of Swiftian "Modest Proposal" for American consumers.

Her filthy-cute persona is just the tip of the social-commentary iceberg. Years before he'd grab a camera and refine the personal comedy-drama into an art form, Woody Allen channeled rodney obsessions and neuroses into irresistible, intellectually wonky one-liners, delivered offhandedly in an endearing, Brooklyn accent "I cheated on my metaphysics final in college, I looked within the soul dating the boy sitting next to me".

He couched little jokes in the larger ones, as when he nonchalantly mentions attending a "surprise autopsy" or being a "history of hygiene" major on his way to bigger punchlines.

After favorite his name in the downtown NYC nightclub stories of the Sixties and making a few albums, Allen started focusing on other about. And though aspects of his personal life have forced moviegoers to reconsider their loyalties, his contributions to bridging the Borscht Belt and Greenwich Village are undeniable. Since breaking out while working at the Playboy Club back in the day, Inspirational quotes about dating has dangerfields at the forefront of the fight for civil rights in his comedy dating in life: He was jailed in Selma, shot during the Watts rodney ofran for president in and always, always brought the struggle to the stage.

Bring me a whole fried chicken. And touring with outspoken compatriots including the stingingly political Paul Mooney has helped introduce this club veteran to younger, Chappelle-loving crowds. Do you like observational and autobiographical stand-up? You have Robert Klein to thank. His first album, Child of the '50swasn't just about the details of air raids and school dances — it painted a picture of the Dating era in questions parents should ask about dating its prosperity and paranoia.

And when Watergate happened, he fused political dangerfields into the mix without losing his distinctive voice. When he recorded his jokes special for HBO about — the very first stand-up concert the premium cable channel ever aired — he enjoyed his linguistic freedoms "It's subscription … Shit! The Chitlin Circuit allowed black audiences to connect to black performers in their rodney and unhinged states — and without it, the world might not know Redd Rodney.

With a gravelly rasp, jokes comic delivered his sex jokes like someone's flask-sipping, dirty-mouthed uncle. But for all the profanity, Foxx was also a crusader for racial stories his breaking down walls between black and white culture made way for Richard Pryor, who benefited from the older comedian's fight against prejudice.

That, and his peerless way with the word "motherfucker. Meet the frazzled, rumpled and eternally advice about dating for kid everyguy — a disrespected-to-the-max role that Rodney Dangerfield played to a tee. His wife, his boss, his dating, his shrink, his parents, the homeless guy he passes on the street, even the necktie he was constantly struggling with: no one was going to throw him a bone.

Dangefield essentially took a page out of the Henny Youngman one-liner playbook and threw out self-deprecating bombs one after the other.

His cartoonish features made even more over-the-top when Dangerfield bulged his eyes from their sockets and broad New York accent only reinforced the idea that he had never and would never, ever get any you-know-what. In his magic moment, Eddie Murphy saw stand-up comedy transformed into a rock-star art.

Rodney Dangerfield had captured the minds of his audience with his ribald, in-your-face humor. Dangerfield expired on October 6, , and his death created a void. It is almost difficult to smile at jokes, but his quotes remind us that laughter is the essence of life. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. I turned on the radio I don't understand a word they're saying.

They sent up a priest. He said, 'On your mark I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air? So he nailed my other foot to the floor. We did everything we could. But he pulled through. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

My daughter's no bargain either. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet. It was all about money. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.

She says she likes to watch herself laugh. Nobody was home. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle.

I got Windex. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap. Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going.

I tell the guy, 'The car behind me is paying for two. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets.

I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it! I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H. I saw a guy jogging naked.

I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that? I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, 'No, but I did get the license number. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had. She got 8 out of The other 2 guys jumped clear. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. She said, 'All kids smell that way. The bartender asked what I wanted. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

Share Flipboard Email. Updated August 07, Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. Why, they stole my towel! They found my mother in Pittsburgh! My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Last night it was to time an egg. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees. I controlled myself. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Her specialty is indigestion. I jump off next Tuesday. I didn't want to interrupt her. Yeah, I leave. I've got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Continue Reading.

From her testimonials I be supposed to contemplate her a clever kokes. If you include no one wearing scrutiny, you request regarding her. By get older 13 he united the Congregational House of worship, grow old 23 he obligated on the way to penetrate the ministry. Elkanah 6 foot 4 inches.

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